Spiral Thoughts

diary entry, 17th Nov

We are halfway through November. The days have been moving fast. It was only yesterday that I felt so much. I have gulped it all and my belly is full. I am satiated, no longer hungry. I must have over eaten. I was starving just a while back. I must starve myself once more. It is all too much yet it is not enough at all. I must have been hungry for the wrong things. I must have eaten the wrong things. So much has been done yet nothing at all.

Odd things happen in this realm, I reside in a spiral.

The path to where I am headed looks like both the wrong and the right. The left and the wrong. The left and right. Up and down. How am I to know. Am I to even know?

Outside my window sits a coked up crow. He whispers to me at night, he sings me to sleep. Hush hush, what a beautiful song he croaks. Sometimes when the ground below me is wet I hear him more often. How nice it is for the ground to be wet.

I must be crueler to myself. I must starve myself more. I must starve myself. I must starve myself. Sing to me little bird, sing me all my love. My belly has no room in this body. My poor old belly is the black sheep of this family, unwelcome in her own body. What it must be to be her. Maybe she needs a home, warm and welcome. Maybe this sedation is good. Maybe warmth is not real. Tea is not tea unless it burns the lips. Maybe the warmth needs more fire. Maybe it will all swirl up into a fat mess with no room for love and no room for my belly.